Tara Conner? Tara Reid? What's the difference

A little illustration I drew of Tara Conner, Miss America with a boozing problem. Whine, whine whine, or I should say wine, wine, wine.

What's the difference between Tara Conner and Tara Reid? I mean they're both spoiled rich bitches with drinking problems and full of self pity. They both say the stupidest shit in interviews, and they both have a face that looks like a perfect target for bukkake practice. I'm not seeing much of a difference. Move over Ms. Reid, Ms. Conner is bunking up with you at Betty's place.

More Bloging on Tara

Decepta-head

There's no real definition for decepta-head but it's a common thing I see amongst websites with personal profiles that allow pictures.

My definition of it is as follows: The process in which one angles their face in photos to make themselves appear much smaller or only taking photos of their heads to hide the massive body underneath it.

Now, I have absolutely nothing against big people. Hell I'm a little overweight myself, but these people that deceive us should be cunt punted. There's are the people that you see on the street that sort of, kind of, looks like the person from mojo you've been talking to except their ass is the size of Oklahoma and hips that resemble Rosanne Barr's 4th chin.

So why do this? Is it to feel better about your self? Because eventually people are going to figure it out. I have to say that I have met a lot of people off of Mojo and I have met my fair share of decepta-heads. It's very misleading and actually unfair to people. Warn people, be honest, tell them that you're bigger, maybe just maybe they'll like you for you and you don't have to hide.

I'll end with this: Be fat, be proud, just take pictures of yourself straight on so that people can tell how big you are, and three words, FULL BODY SHOTS!

The Anti Penis: A Tale of Vagina

I'm one who really enjoys people watching in the mall, on the street, or even at church, therefore that's what I do on mojo/myspace. I view different profiles especially people who look like characters or tell a story with their photos. But what I have learned about viewing girls profiles that are "bi" or "bi curious" is, they hate the penis. Why is this?

Their profiles clearly state "guys if you message me you will be instantly blacklisted/blocked/ignored/blah blah fucking blah!" So why is talking to males such a bad thing? I'm sure if you were to talk to a gay guy it'd be totally different? Oh wait, that's because he doesn't want your hoo-hoo on a platter right? Don't flatter yourself to think that all guys that message you want to have sex with you. Maybe, just maybe they would like to have a conversation with a nice lady?

I've read many times, "I've been hurt by guys so many times I'm going to jump on the other side of the fence...." So what you're saying is; you lost a guy, he screwed you over, you got hurt, now cooter sounds like a tasty snack? Hmmm I find that really hard to believe. Because in order to be gay don't you have to be attracted to the same sex? Oh I'm sorry I mean "bi" not "gay", and you're trying to tell me that this just sort of springs up out of nowhere? Hmmmmm....

I love the "bi" girls that use, "well I was soooooo drunk and she came on to me..." excuse. I buy that excuse just as much as "Honey I swear, she was naked on the bed, I walked in, a couple gnomes pulled down my zipper, pulled my cock out, one of those little bastards tripped me, and I fell right in!".

When I say the following I don't mean any negativity towards lesbians but most of you "bi" girls out there are smoking hot. Most lesbians that I've known are not skinny little blonds with fake tits and a face like Pam Anderson. I'm sure there are some out there, but I'm going with the majority here. I have a gay aunt, she has a mullet, carries a wallet, and drives a big truck. The only thing that she's missing is the dick. I know, I know, there's such a thing called "Lip Stick Lesbians", trust me I'm all for this, but how many have you actually ever seen? It's kind of like Bigfoot, you can look at archive footage all day long on the internet but seeing one for yourself in real life is highly unlikely (the same goes with the Lock Ness Monster).

Back to my "bi" rant, my biggest complaint is why would you get on a website, creat a profile, put half naked pictures of yourself on it, and for one hot second think that a guy isn't going to view this. Even better, think that a guy isn't going to respond to this. I mean hello! Look at porn, what do a lot of guys like to see, a little girl on girl action, a little tongue to twat!

My biggest question is, what exactly is "bi"? I mean I know you like both male and female, but do you go around thinking at all times "wow I bet he has a nice package, HOLLY SHIT LOOK AT THE TITS ON THAT!" I would think that it would be quite the confusing life style. Which apearantly by your profiles you "bi" girls want nothing to do with a guy so wouldn't that make you *Mr. Wood Chuck voice* GAY!? There must be a very VERY fine line there.

So to all of you high school girls that think you're "bi" and to all you 30 year olds and up that say you're "bi"; Chef from Southpark once said, "there's a time and place for all that shit and it's called COLLEGE!"

Feel free to comment, feel free to write me hate mail, hell write me fan mail. Live and let live, just don't land naked face first on a mouse trap.

VIP: Glass or Plastic

I love VIP just as much as the next asshole, but VIP in Louisville isn't really VIP. However, you uneducated horse fuckers think that it is. Let's take Red Cheetah for example. There's 6 stairs, a xl railing, and a "bouncer" that resembles Corky from Life Goes On that separates the "regular" from the "VIP". What's the difference? Ahh, well, it cost a little more, there's couches, there's the opportunity to purchase a bottle of liquor (not just a glass) but when you buy the bottle it's fucking crazy expensive ($135 for a bottle of Vodka that in the stores is $35) there's very little standing room, but the best part is you get a REAL glass. I'm not talking about that plastic shit you regular ole people get way down below us, I'm talking a FUCKING GLASS! Ahhh, but you can't leave the VIP section with that wonderful glass, you have to pour it into a plastic cup, now you just became a regular lounge lizard with a colorful bracelet. But overall what separates you from the rest? A plastic cup, or a glass.

The overall best part of the entire experience, is the fact that you're 4 feet above the people down "below", and you get to look down on them. I thought being VIP was suppose to be an experience that you hypothetically look down on people, not literally.



The point to this is I view profiles, photo galleries, etc and what do I see? I see photos with captions that say "me and muh gurls in VIP..." and whatnot. I can tell you that in a REAL big city club you hoe-bag skanks with botched boob jobs would never walk into the door of a VIP section.

So you're here in Louisville thinking you're a BIG shot because you can get a real glass and pay more money for the same drink and for some sort of fucking crazy reason, you have to take photos to document it.

Why do you do this? You document and take photos of important things, like your kids(most likely out of wedlock), your wedding (most of you lounge lizards will never marry), but not you and your "crunk" friends thinking you're special.

Do you see people in Tao taking photos of each other? Nope, and whys that? Because no one can have cameras and the only photos you'll see are looking through the glass from photography sharks or the exit door where someone special is leaving!

Go to your VIP sections, be proud, but realize you're nothing of nothing and if the most proud moment you have is taking a photo with your friends in a VIP section of a bar in Louisville Kentucky, then The Beatles said it right "...happiness is a warm gun.

All Beast & No Beauty

All people have different addictions, some are drugs, some are alcohol, some are caffeine, but the leading killer is food. Yes, we have to have food to live, but not the shit we put in our bodies on a day to day basis.

I sat in a restaurant recently and observed the people eating around me and noticed that they were a wee bit overweight. Okay I'm being nice, they were extremely obese! Then I took a look at the place that I was at and looked at the menu and noticed that everything on the menu was fried! But wait, they give you a salad to start out with so it must be healthy?! Watching this one person eat was quite disguisting, but I couldn't stop watching. It was like watching the trainers at the zoo feeding the animals, you don't really know why you're watching it, but you know that you're amazed by it.

I'm not really sure of how some of you view this, but I can explain my views pretty easy.

You go into a place, they have some options of "side dishes", they're vegetables, but they're soaked in fat, fat, fat, oh yeah and some more fat! Green beans deep fried, carrots fried in butter, or butter broccoli.

So why is Americans the fattest out of all the other countries? Some say it's because we can actually afford to eat out all the time, others say (and my opinion) because we use food to comfort us, also known as "comfort food". Places like Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans, Po' Folks, they all serve comfort foods. Foods that we as Americans find to settle us at our most down moments.



Illustration done by me.

Look at McDonald's for instance, they start up a $1 menu. A lot of people loves this little added cheap heart attack. The motivation is that you can eat cheap, you can fill your body full of foods that make your ass grow for only $1. Places like Jenny Craig, and Weight Watchers charge you $50 a month to loose weight, and McDonald's charges you $1 to pack the pounds back on.

So McDonald's starts this dollar menu thing and almost all of the other national chained fast food joints follow. So now you can go to almost any highway exit and grab a bite for $1 or two.

So what's all this mean? It's quite simple. We're all FUCKING lazy and are always on the move. Some of us feel that we don't have any other choice but to go to these places. Hell I know that it's much easier, especially people traveling on the road. But that's where all the marketing of these places come from, they know that you're in a rush, they know that you have to eat, so they mark things down to $1 so that not only you can get them in a flash, but you can save your pennies.

Are you really saving though, I mean how much does open heart surgery cost? I'm sure it's a lot more than a double cheese burger and a medium fry.

But it's not just fast food that's out there that makes us fat. Go to a carnival, or a state fair, and there's huge signs that say "Deep-fried Snickers and Twinkie!". Okay, like these weren't horrible for you in the first place, now add a pound of batter and 13lbs of fat and now you have a heart attack in a paper cup. Yum!

We have events to see how much you can eat! Not only do you try to stuff your face full, but you have a timer running at the same time, therefore you're also swallowing everything whole, not allowing your xbolism catch up!

I'm not saying that you should never eat this stuff, but like any other drug, you have to do it in moderation and not make a lifestyle out of it; other wise your ass begins to grow, your heart rate starts to speed up, and your ass starts looking like Rosie O'Donnell and then you die.

The Lazy & The Cheese

There's nothing that I have against government assistance, as long as it's used properly. I have nothing against people who are poor, nor do I have anything against people who seek out for assistance. I mean after all, that's what it's there for, right? However, I would go out on a limb and say that 70-80% of the people using government assistance are lazy fucks that won't go out and get a job, and those my friends are the people who piss me off the most and only one word comes to mind, WORTHLESS!

I use to work at a little grocery store out off 3rd street several years ago and I would say it's probably the food stamp capitol of Louisville. The store was surrounded by the projects and you had to speak 12 languages to talk to every customer that came in there.

One Korean family that use to come in daily, use to buy a shitload of produce and meat, every single day. This struck up my curiosity to what you could do with all that food. Come to find out this particular family owned a little restaurant next door. The US government gave them money to come to the US to start a small business, they lived in section 8 housing (housing like 15 people in a 3 bedroom place), and received $800 a month in food stamps. Ahh but what were they buying on a daily basis? They were buying all the food for their restaurant! So not only did they get money to start the business and have all their living expenses paid for, but they played the system so that the government was paying for their inventory for their restaurant.

Now I can't fully blame these types of people (immigrants) because they were probably living in some sort of shithole and found a way out to a better life. I don't blame anyone for trying to better themselves...


Illustration done by me

But, people that live here play the system too. People that are from here found out that they could be completely fucking lazy and get paid for it. They found out that you can get paid to sit on your ass and be worthless. Our government supports this type of behavoir. You can come back by saying "that's not what it's designed for..." and you're right it's not, but this isn't some sort of secret that no one knows about (and if it is I would like full credit for it coming out to the open).

If your life goal is to sit on your ass, watch Dr. Phil, and eat Doritos till the wheels fall off (your trailer) then you're in the right place. The law pretty much says you can have all the free government money you want as long as you make nothing at all. But if you make a little bit you're fucked, and I'm not talking a little fucked, I'm talking bent over and dry fucked without being bought dinner first.

Even better, if you pop out kids like a cockroach then you can get even more shit for free! Your food stamps go up, you can get WIC, your housing vouchers go up, and you can get free babysitters. And not just like it's a babysitter at a government daycare, but they'll send you a check so that YOU can pay the babysitter. So people are watching their own kids and getting this money and putting it in their pocket! Good parents have to be paid to watch their own kid(s)?

Now you can even get your college education paid for. People bust their ass to go to college and can't really afford it, but because they're trying to better themselves they can't get this little perk. So pretty much you just have to become a complete piece of shit to get assistance.

I mean what kind of people really live for handouts? I don't care if you're white, black, brown, purple, green, or orange, I have no respect for any of you that abuse this privilege. You live in America, be proud of this, realize where you could come from, and want to better yourself.

There's never going to be an end to this because there's always going to be people looking for that handout and not hand up but just like Mr. Pink says "...if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball"